Line-O-Rama: Charlie Sheen

He's not bi-polar, he's bi-winning! Let's takes a look at the avalanche of verbal, viral insanity from one Carlos Estevez.

A week and about 100 Cafe Press t-shirts and Zazzle mugs later, ex-Two and a Half Men star (and ex-highest paid actor on TV)Charlie Sheen seems to be slowing down from his psychotically awesome rant schedule. Who knows, though? I still think he's got four interviews set up tomorrow where he'll give us all new insane, fantastical gems to mull over. Of course, a few days in now, they're all variations on a theme. And what theme is that exactly? 








Sheen (a.k.a. Carlos Estevez, a.k.a. "Man Formally Tethered to Reality") has been on a blitzkrieg tear ever since Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre said the following regarding Sheen's most recent "rush to the hospital because he decided to devour a 12 lb. crack rock" episode: 


"I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I've had chest X-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG's and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't have crazy, reckless sex with strangers. If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed."


Well, that comment -- plus the decision to put Two and a Half Men on hiatus for a few weeks while Sheen cured himself of all his ailments using the super-galactic power of his own mind -- sent Sheen on a crazy train tirade/media tour ("It's been a tsunami of media and I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard"), providing us with some of the best quotes since Mark Twain kicked Oscar Wilde square in the balls! Sheen just started calling up radio shows and booking TV appearances, unleashing his batshit craziness all over our poor, tortured mundane lives. To be fair, Sheen himself has basically come out and said that most of this precious audio-swill is purposefully designed not to make sense. He's basically just putting us all on, making us chase our own tails by feeding us a bunch of intensely irresistible nonsense:

"I don't know. All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master."

But let it also be said that this is in no way the first time that Sheen has been accused of being an unhinged anti-semitic sociopath. He's got a stack of past-restraining orders standing so tall they could ride the Viper at Six Flags Magic Mountain. So let's get to the WINNING! Man, there's so much to choose from here. Let's head into the gaping maw of hell and check out Sheen's best quotables. 

FACT 1: Charlie Sheen is a Supernatural Being

"You're dealing with a Vatican assassin. Sorry. I'm a high priest Vatican assassin warlock."

"I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind. I cured it with my brain, with my mind."

Yes, Sheen is that crazy guy who claims that we're the crazy ones. That guy. We think he's off the wall because... well, we're just not as evolved as he is. He's not just on a different level, he's on a higherlevel. He's a trained killer with mystical powers who can summon dark forces to strike out against his enemies. And we're all blessed to be a peripheral part of his existence. Sounds about right.

Oh, and he can't die. Not from drugs. Not from anything. "Dying's for fools," he claims. That's right. Sorry anyone who's ever died ever. You made the wrong choice. 

FACT 2: Charlie Sheen is not of this Earth

"You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like, 'Dude. Can't handle it. Unplug this bastard.' It fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm. When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it's like, get with the program dude."

"The last time I took drugs I probably took more than anyone could survive. I was banging seven gram rocks because that's how I roll. I have one speed, 'Go!' I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. I got tiger blood man."

"That was an old brain. I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself."

Not only is Sheen the perfect male specimen, but he's not even from our dimension. Which might be cheating. Not sure. I have to check. He's got the genetic make-up of ancient Greek legends, the steaming blood of a predator and a brain that is able to recognize dark matter. He's basically the Serpentor of Hollywood. 

FACT 3: If normal people interact with Charlie Sheen, the results can be catastrophic

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children."

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."

The sooner we all realize that Charlie Sheen is here to make all of our horrible, ugly lives better simply by him being alive and breathing the same air that we do, the sooner we'll be able to open our hearts and fully accept him as our Supreme Warlock Adonis Overlord of Winning. No need to bow, though. An "exploder fist-bump" will suffice. 

FACT 4: Charlie Sheen has great friends

"Pete Rose, Colin Farrell, Sean Penn, Mel Gibson. They didn't give me any advice. Within that there's great advice. There's just love. Just seeing what's up."

Only Charlie Sheen could list off the names of disgraced celebrities and have us lap it up like they were the celestial moons of Jupiter. What's that you say? The violent, misogynist anti-semite offered his support? And so did the gambler and the drug addict? And Punchy Fandango said he loved you, too? Wow, King Sorcerer sure keeps a golden entourage by his side. With friends like those, who needs Deatheaters? 

FACT 5: Charlie Sheen is an all-weather carrier-capable strike fighter jet

"I'm an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground."

Although he kept it secret for many years, it was recently revealed that when Charlie Sheen isn't curing crippling drug addictions with his brain, battling trolls with his fire-breathing fists or bi-winning, he's actually a supersonic airplane that specializes in the suppression of enemy defenses and aerial reconnaissance. He must be a Transformer. Like those robots who transform. But not like that pussy-punk Bumblebee. 

FACT 6: Charlie Sheen was born dead, bringing it

"I was born dead. Hit on that one for a second. Yeah, the umbilical cord was like floppy baby, the whole thing, yeah it was bad. My dad was trying to bring Catholicism into the room, and the Dr.'s like, 'Shut that bible, get over here and do your job while I do mine.' It was radical. He just beat the hell outta me, and finally this voice emerged and just said, 'I'm alive. Bring it.'"

That's right. Not only was little baby Charlie born without a heartbeat, but he was also born snorting lines of coke off a porn star's bruised ass. It only makes sense now that a kid who, technically, "should not be" lives each day like it was his last. Or like it was our last. 





We know. There are scads and oodles of Sheen gems that we missed here. What are your favorites? Let us know on the boards below...

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